The Reign Of Metal Has Ended! (sort of)

Finally...I cannot be called "zipper lips" or "train wreck" or "tinsel teeth" :o) I didn't care about the names anyway, it is just nice to not have a mouthful of metal after a little over a year of constant wires!

So, it is 8:30 this morning.

I walk into the orthodontic office with fear and trepidation in my heart knowing that these little pieces of metal that have remained firmly in place for over a year on my teeth must now be removed.

When I am called by the nurse, I settle myself comfortably in the chair....well....as comfortable as you can be with your ankles at a higher elevation than your head! (Man those chairs!) And prepare to watch them hook up a jackhammer to knock my brackets off.

But lo and behold! She only takes out a little metal pick! I think to myself, "hallelujah!" this won't be hard at all.

UNTIL!! Until she starts picking and grinding and scraping and wreaking havoc on my teeth to the tune of "Old MacDonald Had A Farm"!

Do any of you get irritated by the sound of fingernails on a chalk board? If so, let me tell you something. You have never REALLY experienced that feeling fully until the person scraping out the sound is doing it on YOUR teeth!

Anyway, after the nurse is done giving me whiplash by jerking the brackets off, it is time for the Orthodontist to come out and take the metal ring bands (or as I call them...blades) off of my molar teeth.

Now I am really scared! I lie there, closing my eyes. Wondering how it will feel to lose four teeth right in a row without any pain killer. I feel the doctor reaching into my mouth with a pair of gargantuan pliers that he borrowed from the auto mechanic down the street ....waiting......waiting....waiting......

"Alright kid, you can close your mouth now."

Amazing! I didn't even feel them come off! Just remember kids, when you want a pair of quality pliers for your toolbox, buy "Dento Wrencher Thingys" brand! They work wonderfully! :o)

All that to say, my braces are off.

A few pics below to remind myself why I went through all of this:

Before:

After:

The views expressed in above story may be slightly enhanced by the author for reader interest. Please do not hold a grudge against any orthodontist after reading this story or develop a phobia of all things tooth related. Need help? Call 1-800-I-Am-Scared-Of-People-With-Metal-Tools-Designed-For-My-Teeth or go to www.don'ttouchmewiththatthing.com

Caution: Flying Rubberbands!

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And we thought braces were bad... that was just the beginning.

With rubber bands, the possibilities are endless.

Jack has yet to receive his weapons of mass destruction!

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Braces!

The following paragraphs are to inform all of you non-brace people of the dangers that these metallic fittings include, along with the blessing of eventually having straight teeth.

Liz and I finally decided to get our braces installed this year and boy did we have a lot to learn about how they work!!

So we went to the orthodontist's office to get our brackets installed.....

I laid down on the operating...um, I mean, dentist's chair, and they proceeded with the beginning steps.

The ever-friendly nurse who doesn't know a thing about nerve endings came first and jammed a wad of putty in my mouth while at the same time asking me a question!! Go figure. So as soon as she took out the gooey mold of my teeth I started to answer her question only to find another mold rammed into my mouth as well!! (She must not have wanted an answer!)

So the plastic smile nurse leaves.....and in comes another nurse who jams a plastic mouth-stretcher in that feels like it was made for a hippo's mouth and picks and scrapes at my teeth with a sharp metal hook with no regards to my gums, which by the way are much softer than my teeth, thank you very much! Then she sprays bitter/sour polish on my teeth and plays around with a rubber rotary tool to shake every single tooth out of my head! (At least I think that is what she was doing!)


After all this...the undertaker..I mean the orthodontist comes in and leans waaaayyyy over my head to look at the wounds his nurses just inflicted. He pronounces them satisfactory and proceeds to cement little pieces of metal onto my teeth.

Great!! The first visit is over...I survived it...and my teeth don't hurt that bad after all!! I bet my "former braces" friends were just trying to scare me with all those terrible pain and agony stories!!

As I leave the office....one of the nurses taps me on the shoulder...."Hey kid, just to warn you...you may want to take 50 or so aspirins before you come in next week to get your wires put on." I asked "why?" She just nods knowingly and walks away leaving me to wonder about next week.

Next week:

I walk into the orthodontist's office...I've been here before...a regular old pro at this I am....cool...calm...collected. I lay down in the chair and relax...waiting for the nurse to come put on the wires and molar rings.

She comes over and shows me a sharp round metal blade and says, "this is the molar ring for your back teeth, I am going to have to try a few different sizes to see which one fits you best!"
She then began shoving those sharp chunks of metal in and yanking them back out with the force of a circus strong man!

Eventually, she found the right size and put them on.... "Now bite down on this metal tool to tighten them into place!" she said. Now let me tell you something...biting down on that metal tool to shove those sharp rings around your molars is NOT comfortable. The best description I could give would be that it could be compared to gnawing on a set of car keys....not fun!

Finally it was all over...the rings were on...I laid back and wiggled my jaw to see if it was still all in one piece. But then it got worse!! The doc came over and pulled them all back off, smeared cement all over them and jammed them back on again with that awful metal teething toy!!

The nurse got out a small ice pick and began to chip away the excess cement without too much gentleness involved, but that didn’t bother me. What bothered me was when she took out her little rotary tool again with a different tip and began to SAND the rest of the cement off!! I literally saw smoke coming out of my mouth!! No kidding!

Then came the wires.....they weren't bad at all. The nurse quickly snapped them into place and we were ready to go!!

I left the orthodontist office feeling okay, thanks to those 50 aspirins, and left for work.

About halfway to work though, my whole mouth felt like it was starting to shrink!! By the time I sat down at my desk, I felt like my mouth was about a half-a-inch in width! But that feeling went away by next morning, because by that time, I felt like my mouth had decided to imitate a hot air balloon!!

Needless to say the whole "coolness of braces" feeling has totally worn off....completely!

Ok...it isn’t THAT bad... but it isn’t a picnic either! They had just better do their job right!

Below are pics of:


1. Before

2. After


3. Practicing smiling without looking like a railroad wreck! (Ok,...so it didn’t work out all that great!)



Disclaimer:
Contrary to the "over expressed" story above, the orthodontist that we are using is a very nice man and also a Christian! His nurses aren’t quite that bad either....but what they did to my teeth DID hurt!

BTW, we have an appointment tomorrow to get our wires tightened. Stand by for the story of our first rubber band experience!! (Which may be a month or two away....)